This is 53!

Today I turn 53! Milestone birthdays are typically the ones we celebrate big but the older I get, every single birthday is something to celebrate in a big way. With every year, “things” become less and less important and people, relationships really, become more important. I spent so many years of my life focused on my appearance and, honestly, it’s not what anyone is going to remember about me when I’m gone. Focusing on what I’m giving back to the people in my life and the world in general means so much more to me the older I get.

I miss my mom the most today. While she is still here on this earth, she won’t remember my birthday. There will be no call early this morning with her sweet voice saying “53 years ago today” as she launches into my birth story. So many years I rolled my eyes at that story but today, today I wish I could hear it one more time. Birthdays are just not quite the same once the one who gave you birth is no longer able to celebrate you.

So I will shed a few tears, but I won’t stay there because I know that I’m still worth celebrating. Many years I would have approached my birthday setting myself up for disappointment as I waited for someone else to celebrate me. The expectations we put on others is something I’ve learned to let go of (mostly). Last year I ordered a taco bar and invited my kids and a couple of friends over for dinner. Tonight I am making chili and having the kids over to carve pumpkins!

This year, I chose grow as my word of the year after being inspired by this quote from Emily P. Freeman. “Growth is good, but it may not present as taller, louder, bigger, or even very noticeable at all. Real growth can sometimes feel like shrinking, like smallness, like death. All growth does not mean something bigger.” In this midlife space there is so much growth that is not bigger and there has been death of several things I held dear but that doesn’t mean my life can’t still be deeper and more meaningful.

In my 53rd year I dropped a workout that use to bring me such joy but was no longer fitting into my life. It was hard to change and let go of something I loved but mentally I wasn’t in it any longer and my body was telling me it was done too. Switching it up to a workout that has been challenging but with less impact took a little getting use to but now I have a new community that makes me more accountable! You can read more about why I love PureBarre here!

I’ve also grown the love for my body. After spending two years really digging in and learning about menopause and what was happening in my body, I was ready to work on creating a healthier (not skinnier) body. In 2021 I read Breaking Free from Body Shame and it helped me transform my thoughts about my body but not without a ton of work that continues today.

The other growth has come in healing some of the pain from my childhood that was still causing roadblocks in my current relationships. In March, my therapist challenged me to “parent” little Shelly and I’d give anything to have a picture of my expression when she said that. I’m sure it was a little like what in the hell are you talking about. So funny how things work out as the next book I picked up started giving me some clues and then it seemed like every podcast I chose was about undoing some of the lies we tell ourselves to survive in childhood. Lots and lots to undo for me and this will definitely be an ongoing process but, wow, there has been so much healing already. Even though I still sometimes have an initial “fly off the handle” response to something, I’m much quicker to really understand why and it’s helped me to be gentler to myself and others.

One of the most negative things that happened to me this year was a failed interview. I don’t mean I failed just because I wasn’t offered the job. I mean I failed because I was a blubbering idiot in the interview. It’s been 17 years since I’ve been in an interview and even though I prepared ahead of time and prayed so hard about it, I literally had stage fright and my mind went completely blank. It really wasn’t the job I wanted but I had failed in front of people I work with on a daily basis (including my boss!) and I was really sick to my stomach over it for months. Would I ever be respected at the table again? It did a number on me and it took a counseling session and some remembering my worth and value to bring me back to myself again. Failure is so hard no matter how old you are! But if we do not fail, we do not grow and even at 53, I still want to grow! I believe God answered my prayers exactly like He wanted to and has something more meaningful in store for me when my current job is done.

I think it’s true as I look back on this year or any other, there have been some really hard days but there have been many more that were joyful. While we cannot be responsible for everything that happens to us in this life, we are responsible for who we become in the process. I always want to seek to become a more beautiful version of who God wants me to be no matter how hard that may seem at times.

So here is to another year! May it continue to be full of the joy and struggles of life as all of these things bring me closer to God and my true self.